I’m trying to get back to my “normal routine.” A month of a literal blur of a schedule has left me clutching my coffee and pondering the thoughts that have been jotted down from services and meetings. One in particular hasn’t let go of my mind.
Wilfredo De Jesús, better known as Pastor Choco, is the lead pastor of New Life Covenant Church in Chicago, Illinois, and the author of Amazing Faith: How to Make God Take Notice. In 2015, he spoke at our denominational meetings here in Michigan. I sat with my wife, Anne, listening to Pastor Choco’s challenging message about being “spiritually dehydrated,” in which he made this statement (paraphrased from my notes):
“The bride of Christ (the church) is HIS bride and NOT yours. Pastors, you have your own bride.”
What an amazing challenge to hundreds of pastors, all who are susceptible to the temptation to prioritize their time, focus and resources toward the wrong bride. Out of a genuine passion for reaching the world and a heart to care for people, we pastors can make the mistake of diverting our attention to the neglect of the most important human relationship we’ll ever have.
Related: 5 things we owe every pastor’s wife »
Please note: I’m NOT advocating ignoring your congregation. But the priorities of our relationships are there for a reason: They flow one into the other. My priorities are Jesus, my wife, my family and my church—in that order. It’s from this foundation of priorities that I can be the pastor I need to be.
With all this in mind, here are five questions I have for pastors about their marriages. If you answer ‘yes’ to any of these questions, you are putting the church ahead of your spouse—and, as a result, unintentionally being unfaithful to your marriage.
1. Are you more worried about touching his bride than yours?
I’m a driven pastor who wants to be all things to all men. If there’s a need, I will go to great lengths to meet it. The question is: Am I that driven to meet my wife’s needs?
“Touching my wife” has more than just a sexual connotation (even though pastors need a frequent, healthy sex life with their spouse … but that’s for another post). A pastoral touch to a congregation can vary based upon the need, and touching my spouse is no different. Your spouse needs to be touched. There are needs that HAVE to be noticed and prioritized.
There are good touches and bad touches. The difference? Bad touches are laced in selfishness. Good touches are based in humility and saturated in servanthood. What type of “touch” does your spouse need? A touch of time? A conversational touch? A physical touch? Find the need … meet the need.
2. Are you more careful speaking to his bride than you are to your own?
Do we save our best words for his bride? We have all been there: There is yelling while the phone is ringing, but when the phone is answered, you go into a nice mode as to not let anyone know what is happening. It seems we have enough strength to muster graceful words, tones and mannerisms for our church members, but we starve our bride of conversational intimacy, including words of encouragement, genuine care, affirmation and outright communication.
As pastors, we spend a lot of currency on the people we pastor. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but we cannot splurge so much of it that all we have to offer our bride is spare change. Our words are part of the building blocks for a healthy marriage, and your ability to prioritize your conversational energy will lead you to a healthy marriage. As it says in Proverbs 16:24, “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.”
3. Are you more apt to move appointments for his bride than for your own?
I love talking with pastors who are older and more experienced than myself. Their perspective is priceless. The more I talk to them, the more I hear things like, “Someone else could have done the visit … Another person could have responded … It’s okay to shut off the phone … Guard your time with your bride.”
Over and over, I’ve heard pastors express regret because they set their brides aside for the sake of their congregations. That might sound admirable to some, but it’s an action that has two detrimental effects: 1. It helps us feel more important because we are “needed” as pastors, and 2. It creates more of a dependency from the congregation on us rather than on Christ (first) and on each other (second).
It’s from this false sense of dependency that we mindlessly move or cancel appointments with our spouse. I’m not saying that this should never happen. Cancellations and reshuffled calendars are going to happen no matter what, because life happens. I’m not talking about emergencies and serious situations that come up. I’m talking about those of us who, on a whim, will lay down quality moments with our bride for quantity moments with God’s bride. If his bride has become the hallmark of your marriage and ministry, something is off.
4. Does his bride get the best of your time, while your bride gets the leftovers?
I take my days off on Fridays for a reason: I want my bride to get my best. If I did it on Monday, after a weekend of pouring out (focus, preparation, preaching, etc.), I’d have nothing left for her.
Jesus gave his bride his best—shouldn’t we do the same for ours? Be purposeful about how you plan out your week. Remember: QUANTITY doesn’t necessarily equate to QUALITY. Make the most of every opportunity with your bride.
5. When you are with your bride, is your mind on someone else’s (his bride)?
Much hurt has been done in ministry marriages because of unfocused attention. Just because you are in the same vicinity as your spouse doesn’t mean you are present mentally and emotionally. In this world of technology, it’s quite easy to multitask and think we’re being productive. We think we can adequately pay attention to our spouse while getting ministry done.
Your presence demands more than physical location. The only way to “be there” for your spouse is the “be there” in every way possible (emotional, spiritual, mental, physical). Don’t share the moment with another.
Pastor Choco gave me much to think about. It was (and will continue to be) the inventory check I needed in the moment to help me make sure my priority, above the church, is the bride Jesus has given me. The only way I can be an effective pastor is to be an effective husband. It can’t be the other way around.
Love Jesus with all your heart. Take your love and lavishly pour it into your spouse. I promise, the better you care for your bride, the better pastor you’ll become for his bride.
Dave Barringer (@PDBarringer) is the lead pastor at Kalamazoo First Assembly of God in Portage, Michigan. He blogs about pastoring and marriage at PDave.me.